Torture of Sir Seimu

Who Among the Digi-Destined will Survive Longest With Him?

 

Kimiko (the author): Hey everyone! I have come up with an idea to provide for your personal enjoyment. Everyone knows how much of a knave that Sir Seimu is for taking Link and Luigi’s story, and it’s so despicable that I had to do something about. You see, it’s just—

 

What Link and Luigi would probably say: GET TO THE POINT!

 

Kimiko: Ok! (Grumbles) Geesh. Anyway, it’s the contest of a lifetime. (Drum rolls) Which of the Digi-destined will survive the longest on a road trip with Sir Seimu! We have five contestants that I picked randomly out of Tomoki’s huge orange hat!

 

Tomoki comes out and bows, but Kimiko shoves him off, pushing him.

 

Kimiko: (holding out slip of paper) The first is…Matt!

 

Two men in white suits and a couple of random Digimon shove Matt onto the stage. He tries to run but they bring him to a chair and strap him in it to keep him from running away. Kimiko looks at him with regret but then seems evil.

 

Matt: (fuming) You can’t do this to me!

 

Kimiko: I can and will. (Takes out another slip of paper) Next is…Izumi!

 

Izumi is practically carried in by the same Digimon and white suited guys. She looks simply furious.

 

Izumi: I hate you, Kimiko! I’ll never speak to you again.

 

Kimiko: Hey, you’re the only Frontier character that I felt like bringing out besides Junpei. (Holds out yet another slip of paper) The next victim…*cough* I mean contestant…is…Ken!

 

Ken doesn’t even need to be carried in. He walks in sadly and sits down. Matt and Izumi stare at him.

 

Matt: Why so…willing, Ken?

 

Ken: I have done horrible things, and being tortured by Sir Seimu should teach me.

 

Kimiko: (sad look) I feel bad for you, Ken. If it weren’t for your “I will do it no matter what” attitude, I would have brought in Davis instead of you.

 

Izumi and Matt: (angrily) YOU GAVE KEN A CHOICE?

 

Kimiko: (shrugs) More or less.

 

Matt and Izumi get those red veins because they’re mad. Ken’s eyes are lowered at the ground.

 

Kimiko: (ANOTHER SLIP OF PAPER) Our fourth person is…Kari…(Sighs heavily)

 

Kari prances on like a knave and sits down, giggling frantically. Ken, Izumi, and Matt give her evil looks. Kimiko notices that Kari is all dressed up in pink and wearing excessive amounts of stupid artificial beauty…also known as make-up.

 

Kari: I can’t wait to see my Seimu-chan! (Laughs like an idiot)

 

Matt: (gazes at Kimiko) You know, Kim, she’s most likely going to be the only one who’ll survive with him for more than five minutes.

 

Kimiko: (frowning) It’s Kimiko, not Kim, so remember that, Mattie. (They give each other menacing looks) And besides, this should be interesting. (Holds out a final slip of paper) And our final contestant is…Joe!

 

Joe walks on looking like a total dork with his nose stuck in a book for no reason and he tries to sit down in the chair but lands on his butt. Matt hisses, “Moron” and Kimiko prods him with her fist.

 

Kimiko: Pay attention! Reading a book is not you! Now act like your froggy self.

 

Joe: (tosses away book) At least I’m not as knavish as Kari.

 

Matt: He has a point.

 

Kari: Hey! (Takes a mirror and starts primping herself)

 

Kimiko: Ok! I shall take you, one by one, to the car where (evil music) Sir Seimu is. (Gasps from the Digi-Destined) First is…Joe!

 

Joe buries his face in his hands as he is led away. Kimiko turns out the lights and pulls down a screen that will show everything.

 

 

#1: Will Joe survive Sir Seimu?

 

Joe trudges out of the big room and sees a bright red convertible. It’s raining, and Sir Seimu is sitting in the car, smiling like an idiot and beckoning to the soaking wet front seat. The leather is practically ruined by the water, but Joe plunks down in it, getting himself all wet.

 

Joe: Great. The weather’s going my way…not.

 

Kimiko: (watching the screen) I doubt that Joe will survive very long.

 

Sir Seimu: Hye! This is gonig to be so much fun! I’m sso glad you came along for the rid!

 

Joe: (not happy) Sir Seimu, have you realized you make spelling errors even when you talk?

 

Sir Seimu: (laughs for a while because he thinks it is so very funny *Thanks to Boombubble for the “so very funny” statement*) Well, who cars?

 

Kimiko: (puzzled) I guess cars means cares.

 

Matt: (shrugs) You get used to his spelling after a while.

 

Izumi: (screaming) I can’t take this! It’s not even my turn and I can’t take it! (Starts crying like the girl she is)

 

Everyone ignores Izumi and continues watching the screen. The car starts and Kimiko shakes her head sadly as Sir Seimu wildly drives onto the street, even though his seatbelt is not fastened. Joe starts moaning about motion sickness and pukes over the side of the car. Sir Seimu is too busy driving like the idiot he is.

 

Sir Seimu: Ins’t this grand? I’m one year yonger than the drivng age, and I’m a natural pro!

 

Joe: A pro? YOU’RE FRIGGING TWELVE YEARS OLD, AND YOU DRIVE LIKE A COMPLETE MORON! DOUMO!

 

Kimiko: (looking confused) That was completely random.

 

Ken: It’s typical of Joe to say DOUMO even though Kimiko over here has no idea what it means.

 

Kimiko: Hey!

 

Matt: It’s the hard truth, Kim, live with it. Joe used it stupidly and completely wrong, you didn’t notice, and I’m sure Link and Luigi will agree with me.

 

Kimiko: (growling) Just for that, you get to go next.

 

Kari: (giggles insanely) My Seimu drives like a champion! I LURVE him! (Her eyes change to retarded hearts)

 

Matt: (puppy eyes) Can I please move as far away as possible from Kari?

 

Izumi: (frowning) You should be happy. I’m right next to her.

 

Back to Joe and Sir Seimu…Sir Seimu has been pulled over about three times, but the police officers can’t take his knavishness combined with Joe’s so they leave them alone. Joe has barfed about five times into a brown paper bag. Sir Seimu turns on the radio.

 

Sir Seimu: Wow! My favorit song! (Starts singing) Oops, I did it again! I played with your—

 

Joe: (throwing bag out the window and screaming) I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! (Runs out into the rain, never to be seen again.

 

Sir Seimu: Com back! I can give you sinsing lessons!

 

The screen fades to black. Kimiko sighs, steps over to a white board, and writes down “Joe Kido…10 minutes total”. Izumi, Matt, Kari, and Ken watch her expectantly as Kimiko checks her watch.

 

Kimiko: (stupid sweat-drop) That was unbelievably lame.

 

Matt: You’re not the one who has to suffer.

 

Kimiko: (grins crazily at Matt) Because I made up the game! Duh!

 

Izumi: (thinking) By the way, what do we win if we survive the longest?

 

Link and Luigi’s voices from the heavens: YOU HAVE OUR ETERNAL BLESSINGS AS YOUR PARENTS! (Green tambourine plays)

 

Kimiko: (blinks) That was copyrighted by Link and Luigi. Anyway…

 

Kari: (clapping hands together and trying her best to keep her mascara coated eyes open) Yay! I want to win! I want to win!

 

Kimiko: (shrugs) On to the next contestant! Matt!

 

Matt: What? (Looks around as the white suited men come back) No! Noooooooooooooooo (gets pulled off while he’s still screaming)

 

#2: Will Matt Survive Sir Seimu?

 

Matt searches around for any sign of rain, but the skies are blue with some clouds. Sir Seimu is waiting in the car, which is a battered, blue one. Matt rolls his eyes and reluctantly gets in the car next to Sir Seimu. Sir Seimu starts the car and runs over a nun like he did in Akina’s story.

 

Matt: Uh…Mr. Seimu idiot? You just ran over a nun.

 

Sir Seimu: (in a reading sort of voice) By the way, my name is Samuel Seimu but you can call me Seimu-chan. I’m a digidestined to! One of the origionals to be exact. I just was sick that year of camp so I missed it. That’s how I got to be best friends with Kari.

 

Matt: (looking out the window) That’s nice. Now shut up.

 

Sir Seimu: I didntt copy Link and Lugi’s story.

 

Matt: (frowning) Like I said, good for you.

 

Sir Seimu: (driving very slowly and getting a lot of honks from the other so much better drivers) I’ve been living in Japan for seven years now and my Japanese is getting better and better because kari is always tutoring me! I like to teach her English too because we’re best friends. She was the first perosn I met when I moved here.

 

Matt: Actually, the first person you met here was probably a lawyer with a client suing you for your stupidity.

Sir Seimu: (running through a red light and nearly hitting a bicyclist) By the way, my Digimon’s name is Rathamon, the most powerful of all drigimon. He’s ledgendary and one of a kind and only the special chosen one can have him and that was me! My crest is the Crest of Power which means I have the most powerful crest.

Matt: (getting really mad) Well, Mr. I’m-so-high-and-mighty, why don’t you stick your butt in a meat grinder?

Kimiko: (staring) Did anyone notice besides me that Sir Seimu is quoting parts from his stupid story?

Izumi: Yeah, I did. Geez, Sir Seimu is really (sarcastically) modest.

Ken: (frowning) Matt’s taking it pretty easy. He’s been sitting in there for about 5 minutes listening to Sir Seimu’s self-appraisal.

Kari: (glowering at Ken) Don’t diss my Seimu-chan! He is the greatest!

Izumi: Somebody shoot me.

Back in the car, Sir Seimu keeps drawling on and on about how great he is, still quoting stuff from the story about he’s so much smarter than Ken and oh-so-wonderful and so happy with his life even though he has telekinetic powers and how Kari is the second greatest and his mother died and Matt looks ready to die of boredom. (Gee, what a run-on sentence)

Matt: (muttering) I just hope he doesn’t turn on Oops I Did It Again, or I just might have to kill him.

Sir Seimu: I swear that I was as good a singer as Matt! Even better! Actualy, I WAS better than matt and Kari and I did a duet just like Ricky Martain and Christina Agulara did and Sora, Mimi and Yolie thought it was very sweat and they said that we should go proffessionals.

Matt: (turning bright red and getting very angry) WHAT? YOU PIECE OF…

Kimiko: (checking watch) He’s passed the time limit of Joe…almost 15 minutes…and I think he’s ready to kill Sir Seimu.

Kari: Aaaah! No! Save my Seimu!

Matt punches Sir Seimu in the face over and over again, and Sir Seimu doesn’t notice, just continuing to tell his stupid story “Skiing with the Girls.” Matt finally breaks Sir Seimu’s nose and Sir Seimu falls unconscious.

Matt: I am OUTTA HERE! (He runs off and finds himself in a bar where he drinks and gets advice from Izzy and Tai and is oh so happy that he’s not with Sir Seimu anymore)

Kimiko turns off the screen sadly and checks her watch. She picks up her pen and slowly, much to the suspense of Ken, Izumi, and Kari, writes down “Matt, 16 minutes” underneath “Joe, 10 minutes”. Izumi opens her mouth to say something but then closes it as Ken interrupts.

Ken: How come we have to keep going to Sir Seimu if he’s unconscious?

Kimiko: (rolls eyes) Because Sir Seimu is all-powerful, intelligent, and etc, he can heal himself. (Ken and Izumi glare at her) I’m kidding! For the show we bring him back to consciousness each time for our personal amusement.

Izumi: (screeching) I really hate you, Kimiko!

Kari: (jumping up and down in seat) I want to see my Seimu—

Everyone except for Kari: SHUT UP!

Kari: Waaaaaaaah! (Bawls like a knave)

Kimiko: (ignoring her) Anyway, our third contestant is…Ken!

Ken sadly walks out.

#3: Will Ken Survive Sir Seimu?

When Ken comes out, it’s a cloudy day and a little foggy too. He shivers to think of what kinds of accidents Sir Seimu will get in. This time it’s a mini-van, and Sir Seimu sits in the front seat with a huge book that he probably can’t even read.

Sir Seimu: Hey, Ken! Did yu know I have a hiher IQ than you?

Ken: (sighing) I deserve this. I mustn’t complain.

Ken gets into the car, and Sir Seimu speeds off about 30 miles over the speed limit, bowling over trashcans. Ken simply sits there, not listening to Sir Seimu’s stupid chatter about the research in his lab (all of it coming from his imagination) and Rathamon (who had exploded a long time ago! Yay!)

Kimiko: (notices that 20 minutes have passed since they have left, and Sir Seimu has barely missed killing five old ladies) Whoa. Ken has a tolerance above the roof.

Izumi: (yawns) If he wins, can I go?

Kimiko: NO!

Izumi: (whines)

Finally Sir Seimu quiets down, and Ken stares out the window. 10 more minutes pass…and then Sir Seimu starts acting up.

Sir Seimu: I went to the Darke Ocean to sav cari once.

Ken: Hmmm.

Sir Seimu: Of course I savd her. I alwyas save everyon.

Ken: Sure you do.

Sir Seimu: I think you nedd me around yu more, Ken. I coud help you.

Suddenly, to everyone’s great fear, Ken turns into the Digimon Emperor! GASP

Kimiko: Looks like Sir Seimu’s gone too far with Ken.

Kari: My Seimu—

Kimiko: (grabs her make-up bag) Shut up, or the bag dies.

Kari: Waaaaaah!

Kari’s crying is so annoying that Kimiko throws the bag at her. It hits her in the head, and a dumb smile spreads across Kari’s face. Izumi growls and snatches the make-up bag from her.

Izumi: (muttering to herself) I’ll need this.

Sir Seimu has pulled over, and he is cowering in his seat as Ken, now the Digimon emperor, towers above him.

Digimon Emperor: Insolent one! Do not dare to cross me! I shall kill you, and your Digimon too!

Sir Seimu: No! Not Rathamon! Kil me, but not aRathamon!

Digimon Emperor: (laughs) IT’S TOO LATE! RATHAMON IS DEAD!

Sir Seimu: No!!!!!! I must kil yu with my amazng Crest of Power! (Starts glowing red)

Digimon Emperor: (sighs heavily) I don’t have time for this.

He slaps Sir Seimu in the face and he crashes through the window. The Digimon Emperor runs away.

Kimiko: (turns off screen) Whoa. (Writes something on the board) Ken: 43 minutes.

Izumi: (smiling) I can’t beat that! So leave me be.

Kimiko: (sighs) Well, as this story is getting too long anyways…you don’t have to go!

Izumi: Yay! (Leaps for joy)

Kimiko: But you have to watch Kari and Sir Seimu with me.

Izumi: (gags) All right.

Kari: Yay! (Rushes off)

Izumi: (tosses make-up bag through the window, smiling at the satisfying crash) Guess I don’t need that.

Kimiko: (turning on screen) What were you going to do with it?

Izumi: Give Sir Seimu a makeover and—OH MY GOSH! EW!

Kimiko: What? What the—(Looks at the screen) Aaaah! Ok, Kari already wins! Come on, Izumi, let’s get out of here!

#4: What Kari and Sir Seimu Were Doing?

Kimiko: (trembling) You sure? You sure you want to know? (Shivers) French kissing. And…getting intimate.

(“Ews” echo throughout the hall)

Kimiko: (raises fist) I say we stop the madness and kill them both!

(Cheers)

So Kari and Sir Seimu exploded and everyone lived happily ever after! ‘Cause Izzy and Izumi got married and Matt killed Sora and…(goes on and on) 

Kimiko: End of the show! Keep on tormenting Sir Seimu! We’re right behind you, Link and Luigi! (Gives the peace sign and runs off)